i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
