I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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