Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
