my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
