I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
