My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i came on her dog
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
