we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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