somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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