if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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