i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
