I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
