my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
