Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize