K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
