As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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