can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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