you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
