Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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