apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
