i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
