Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
