Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
