all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize