oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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