It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
