Already got asked if we're dating
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
