Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
