I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
