toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You left your phone here
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