your room smells of hookers.
And success
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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