you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
