Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
