I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
