Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
