My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
