so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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