I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
