Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
