just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
