Just fell off a train. Bad.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
