turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
