I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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