Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
