This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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