I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
