I'm going to jail i love you
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the condom got lost in my hair
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
