Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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