you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
