I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
