I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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