thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think my vagina is haunted
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
