I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
