my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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