The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
