I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
