you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize