We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
